HUGE THANKS to The WRANGLER Horse and Rodeo News for their permission to re-post this column originally written for their publication.
Hi. I’m Kayce Lassiter, and I’m tickled as a coyote in the hen house to be here, where we’ll examine the questions that are burning a hole in your heart. We’ve all had our hearts soar with love, only to crash to the ground in a burning pile of rubble when something went wonky. Join me for my advice to the love-torn.
Mares: My boyfriend complains that I spend more time with my horse than with him. What can I do to make him happy?
I’m torn. Does your man have a valid point? If you are spending more time with your horse, I gotta ask why. I love horses, but they’re not my first choice to keep me warm on a cold winter night. Girlie, you know how to fix this. When you get the evil eye that says, “I’m feeling neglected,” you just take his hand and lead him up the stairs. Men are not that complicated. A little country lovin’ fixes most anything. Dinner’s late or cold? Lovin’ fixes that. You flirted a little too much with the waiter at dinner? Love him up. Your mother’s coming for a month? Honey, I’m not a miracle worker. Nuthin’ fixes that. You just gotta power through it. On the flip-side…if you prefer a horse over your man, it’s time to put that bronc up wet. You don’t love him. Move on. Get yourself a real cowboy—one with a horse of his own—‘cuz a real cowboy is never threatened by a horse. Just sayin…
Studs: I have my eye on a gal who won’t give me the time of day. How do I get her attention?
Seriously? Are you a stud or a dud? It ain’t rocket science. If you like her, tell her. Walk up to her in a clean shirt and smellin’ good (maybe with a nice, unwilted flower that you didn’t steal from her flower bed) and say, “Hey, filly, wanna get rowdy?” Okay, don’t do that…she’ll crush that flower against your forehead like a smoked cigarette. If you approach her with confidence and a sweet compliment, your chances will soar—unless you say something stupid about how her eyes or her loins remind you of your horse! So, come up with something nice to say, and just do it. Waitin’ gets you nuthin’…which is exactly what you’ve already got. Like gets like, and brass gets brass. If you want the brass ring, you gotta grow a set of brass ones. On the flip-side…if you can’t man-up enough for the direct approach, go for the desperate friend (remember, like gets like), or get used to keeping Playboy magazines in the bathroom. Again, not rocket science.
That’s my story, loving and looney, and I’m stickin’ to it. Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!
Love ya, Kayce.
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